


Doubt and Wonder

by evaagna



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Minor Character Death, M/M, Pre-Rogue One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 21:49:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13086057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evaagna/pseuds/evaagna
Summary: Bodhi doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s been crying.





	Doubt and Wonder

**Author's Note:**

  * For [icandrawamoth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/icandrawamoth/gifts).



> Request: Galen/Bodhi - "Family"

Bodhi doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s been crying. 

The tears have long since run out, leaving salty streaks down his face, but his eyes are still red-rimmed, and he’s left feeling cracked and empty and muddy inside. Even Eadu’s rain isn’t enough to wash that away.

The news hit him hard. Not harder than he expected, but that doesn’t really make it any better. And it’s only made worse by the fact that the message will still be there, waiting for him, the next time he turns on his datapad. Short, blunt, cold; delivered as if it wasn’t news that would crush him and leave him numb. He hates the part of him that thinks, _at least they told me at all_.

Bodhi swallows, the motion catching in his throat like he’s gulping down something thick and sticky. His hair falls into his eyes, but he doesn’t bother to push it back out of the way. He’s wet, soaked through, sitting on a bench just outside the cargo hangar, but he stares ahead as if he doesn’t notice. Even when he hears the personnel door swing open, then closed again, he doesn’t look up to see who it is. 

He already knows-- There’s only one person here who’s ever noticed him.

Galen steps out into the rain, heedless of the dark and cold. After a moment without acknowledgment, he sits beside Bodhi, tentative and careful like he’s trying not to spook an injured animal. 

So he knows, apparently. Bodhi wants to ask how he heard, but he guesses it’s obvious; they’ve talked about it before, and there’s not a lot else that would affect him like this. He wonders what must be going through Galen’s mind - what pointless words of condolence he’s come to offer - but Galen stays silent for a long moment, just watching him. He rocks forward on the bench, leaning to rest his chin on curled fingers, and then-- 

“Family is a good reason to do something right, don’t you think?”

Bodhi glances up, hardly raising his head from where it’s still hanging between slumped shoulders, and offers an unconvincing smile. _This again_ , he thinks, but it’s not accompanied by the usual apprehension. In its place is only self-loathing and a deep sense of failure. All he can think is, _it’s too late_ , bouncing around inside his head like a laserball in a pin machine.

He enlisted to support his ailing mother. But for what? She died. Alone, without him. He wasn’t there for her. Suddenly there’s nothing left for him and he did… _this_ for no real reason at all. After he _knew_ it was wrong. The thought of it makes his head hurt, makes him sick.

Regret - that’s what this feeling is. Piled high on top of guilt.

He wants to explain this to Galen, but he can’t find the words. Instead, he sucks in a breath; his chest shudders with it.

Galen-- Galen would probably understand, too. Maybe better than anyone else he knows. He’s certainly the only one he can trust with the truth, but he finds that it’s lodged in his stomach, tangled in a knot too tight to unravel.

He exhales, forcing down the remorse that's rising in his throat. _Something right_. “You can’t do something good for a family you don’t have,” he mutters, caught somewhere between bitter and broken. He just wants to be left alone to mourn, to be allowed to forget - for one minute - the questions he wishes he never asked and the answers he wishes he never heard.

“Bodhi,” Galen murmurs, and then repeats, firmer, when he doesn’t turn to face him. He brings a hand up to rest on Bodhi’s jaw, lets his thumb trace gently across his cheek, eyes never wavering from Bodhi’s own. “Sometimes, when your family is gone,” he starts, then pauses, like he has to collect himself, “Or very far away--” There’s a hitch in his voice that betrays his own grief. “You must find a new family, just to carry on.”

Bodhi leans into his touch, letting himself soak up the familiar warmth of it even as his lips twist downward into something pained and defeated. For a moment, he’s afraid that he’s going to start crying again. He can feel the tears burning behind his eyes, so he closes them. Breathes in. Breathes out. When he opens them again, something settles in his stomach.

“Okay,” he says, suddenly, before he entirely realizes what he’s doing. There’s a twitch in Galen’s expression, almost like he’s surprised. Bodhi nearly misses it as it flashes across his face, but it was there; he saw it - proof of Galen’s doubt, as real as his own. It numbs his guilt and grief, settling them to an ache in his chest that he'll carry with him always. “Okay, just--” he repeats, resigned and lost, even to his own ears, “Just tell me what I have to do.”

Galen nods, and then smiles as he places a hand at the small of Bodhi’s back, but it’s a thin line that doesn’t touch the strained crease in his brow. “Why don’t you come in out of the rain,” he suggests, voice low and gentle, “Then we’ll talk about it.”

Bodhi nods, and lets himself be led inside.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear recipient, it occurs to me now that, with a prompt like "family," you may have been looking for something more fluffy and warm. If that's the case, I am so sorry that I gave you angst instead! I hope that you enjoyed it, regardless!
> 
> Special thanks to [misskatieleigh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/misskatieleigh) and [crechemaaster](http://crechemaasters.tumblr.com) for their beta help!


End file.
